Monday, August 24, 2009

PART THREE the day i lost my hair

So, i am in labor with this baby and i am donning a blue headband thingie because i do not have any hair on the sides of my head or any bangs. i had resolved two weeks earlier, when dealing with the knowledge of the disease, that the most important thing was to stay "sane" and calm as to not put myself and the baby into stress. i had gone to the mall, stocked up with cute scarf type accessories. those poor sales associates at the mall were hiding and peeking at me as i would find a headband and look in the mirror and CRYYYYYYY, gather myself and try on another one. i can say with humility that i had never been to the mall and not enjoyed trying things on and LIKING what i saw in the mirror. just being honest. i had always felt "cute". until then.

Going into labor three weeks early was no surprise to me. i knew my body had been under some stress and the baby had been bearing down. i once had to stop mid-walk and cross my legs because it felt like the baby had found a needle somewhere in me and was using it to chisel his way out! i cringe while remembering this because i can recall the pain so well! "Butter" made his way into the world and it might have been the sweetest moment of my life. i had cried so much about my imminent "balding" situation and then to look in this little one's eyes made everything else seem so small.

Even the very hairs of your head are all numbered Matthew 10:30

i had resolved in my head that no matter how hard the hair loss had been i could handle it. i have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and he knows the very hairs of my head and has them numbered. He knows every part of me! especially how important looks had been to me my whole life. i always had this secret fear that at some point in my life, my looks might be taken from me. i was realizing that God was very aware of this fear and was obviously using it to draw me near. this i understood. His Sovereignty was growing clear.

We brought the baby home from the hospital. things were looking up for me. i had figured out how to use the scarves on my head and still maintain cuteness! hey, i saw this as an opportune situation for me. i had a perfect second child, a small problem with my hair (that brought me attention, which i loved), and i could have this "testimony" to share with others about how i had defeated this fear of hair loss and of course i could share the grace of God in the midst of it! oh, and stay cute at the same time! also, i was already feeling whiskers on my head! my hair was re-growing. awesome, everyone wins. But, God was not finished with me. not at all.

two weeks after bringing the baby home i was outside talking to one of my neighbors. i noticed that i felt a "resistant" feeling on the right side of my face. mainly when i smiled. i went inside and looked at myself in the mirror...nothing appeared wrong but i felt strange and my smile felt crooked. within 20 minutes Bert and i were concerned as my face seemed to begin to "droop". i called my doctor who instructed me to call 911 in fear that i could be having a stroke. needless to say, i was FREAKING OUT!

God is so good and his timing is perfect. My dermatologist friend showed up at my door right in the middle of the chaos. she was bringing me some banana bread and walked right in during the perfect time to perform a little "stroke" assessment. she calmed our nerves that i was probably not experiencing a stroke and probably was experiencing "bells palsy". a temporary paralysis of the seventh facial nerve. SO, "OK LORD, what are you doing now? why me? why my face? why now? how much more can i handle?"

we did go to the ER and after some tests it was confirmed that i did indeed have bells palsy and it would "PROBABLY" go away. we were told. at this point in the story, i have not much hair and a half smile and an eye that stays open ALL THE TIME. i had to sleep with tape over my eyelid and i had to wear a patch over my eye to keep stray dust and debris from getting in my eye. this is really one of the only "dangers" associated with bells because it can cause injury to the cornea. but, it seemed that the doctors that i began seeing for my condition wanted to try and connect my hair loss with the bells. this caused anxiety for me because i was fearful that there was something wrong in my brain causing inflammation. there was never any connection made between the two. the bells palsy went away but the alopecia has hung around.

i have shaved my head twice for lack of substantial hair. over the 6 years that i have had alopecia, i have learned so much. God has taught me a tremendous amount about myself. one, i will go through very uncomfortable needles in my head to re-grow hair. two, my husband thinks i am a "hotty" with or without hair! three, i am not just an outer shell...God has given me many gifts to glorify him. four, i can't have a career in modeling and this is good for my mind wellness! many more lessons i am learning daily about myself as i deal with seasons that sometimes bring no bangs, maybe no hair in the back, sideburns come and go like the wind. i am prepared for what God has in store and the doctors have no way to predict what my hair will do. one day, probably, i will be bald. there are worst things. i will grieve and then i will go and buy one of those suction cup wigs and go and talk to little bald kids at the children's hospital or something. but mainly i will tell people how God is so GREAT and he loved me enough to bring me through this adventure to share his gospel message.

Jesus Christ, the ONE AND ONLY SON of GOD, was sent to the earth to LOWER Himself to be human yet still GOD. he experienced every emotion and pain that is known to man and knew his ENTIRE life that he would be tortured and crucified. He knew that he would have to die for our sins that we were incapable of paying for. he paid our debt to God by dying, GOING TO HELL, and raising again so that those that do not know Him could know Him and his Father.
My testimony continues everyday and PLEASE do not assume that my attitude is always "christian". this is why GRACE is so important because i need constant forgiveness and the Holy Spirit reminds me of my rotten attitude and points me upward. God NEVER promises anywhere in the bible that we will be without suffering but he promises to hold us through it. and all for His glory.


  1. Ok....this is the first Blog I have ever been on/read/commented on, and it is great! You are a true child of God, in that, your honesty, your caring nature, comes through in your writing. Your definitely spreading love, cheer, and God's will to all who read "...this Funky Junky."

    Great blog, Beautiful Momma of three!

    Julie Cain

  2. Ooh, Liz! I had bells palsy, too. I thought, at first, i was having a stroke. I was pregnant at the time, and it went away - so thankful!!! Love your blog and your honesty! Love, Laura Barbour.