a sad day that won't end

frannie was hit by a car. i had no idea that she had gotten out. there is a chance that one of the kids let her out. i never let her out during carpool hour because we are on the route and people drive up our street like maniacs. they must have hit her in the early morning. crunch and i headed out to run errands around 11:15. i saw her...before i pulled out of the driveway. she was in a pile a leaves down the driveway. with her sweet little head poking up out of the leaves. this sight was something she had never done. i ran to her and realized that she was very hurt. i picked her up and ran down the street to my neighbors..(crunch was buckled in the car, oblivious). frannie's tongue was turning white. suzie drove me to the vet. i could not stop crying and yelling her name. crunch was safely with a neighbor...still oblivious.
at the vet they hooked her up to an IV and her color came back, but she was facing a hurdle. a possible surgery.
frannie was 13. blind and deaf and not a very happy dog. she was tired, she avoided us, unless we were feeding her.
a full day passed while i waited for her to stabilize enough for an x-ray. i sat on the floor next to her little cage. she seemed so peaceful and seemed to recognize me and my voice. i would lift up her ear and talk right into it. i told her i was sorry. so sorry for all that i had said and done to make her life hard. sorry for this...this pain she was going through. i just stroked her little head and talked to her and CRIED. man, i am not sure that i have cried that hard in a long time.
after the x-ray and talking with our amazing vet, my decision (with my sweet daddy by my side) i called bert and we agreed that the decision to go ahead and put her to sleep. the surgery was too risky and because of her old age, it seemed to be the best decision. i held her as she received the dose of whatever chemical it is that ends animals lives was administered. this memory...i will never shake.
the memories of all of the years of having this little dog for comfort and love...gone in an instant. oh, the guilt. even knowing it was the most humane thing to do, is eating at me.
frannie drove me crazy and caused me anxiety but now i want her back. i miss her. there is a void now.
the kids screamed and cried their eyes out. that sucked. really. i held it together. bert was great. i am tired, my eyes are crossing. so, more on my thoughts later.
rest in peace frances tinybell. there is a blank spot on the end of the bed where she would lick my feet. i wish things had been better, easier, less traumatic, but losing a little family member Hurts and stings.